Different tribes meet

 Wednesday November 8th

First and only full day of a “2 night 3 day” cruise on Stellar of the seas. They pack a lot into a short period of time. There isn’t a lot of down time. My butt is a little chapped from all the ass kissing. Some I feel is genuine and some I feel is the product. One thing for sure, Vietnam hospitality services live and (I assume) die, by online ratings. Today was the second time that I have been asked to be sure to leave a review on booking.com or TripAdvisor and mention them by name. Once in Hanoi and today on a beach in Ha Long bay. Well at least they aren’t stuffing a calculator with suggested tip in my face.

Last night’s sleep was about as perfect as could be. For a solid seven I don’t remember a thing . Woke at 5am and just coasted until six. Sunrise was pretty spectacular. The only thing to mar the perfection is that there was no freshly brewed coffee available. The only coffee on hand was the Starbucks instant that I had brought. Around 6:30 the breakfast bar opened and I did get that dark black liquid medicine. The last cruise on the Mekong, was well served in the meals department. This cruise make them look like C rations, well maybe not that bad, but certainly MREs. Breakfast was the usual, a plantation of fruit, a bakery of breads, a ranch of meats, a coop of eggs, and an orchard of juices, plus a plethora of Asian fare that I just glanced at.

I had a sufficient breakfast, omelet, a croissant and some juice … plus a liter of coffee . Chatted with a few people and mostly just hung around. I did get together with a couple who I thought were my age, and were a decade younger. Whoopsie ! But boomers gotta boom and I figured they would know etiquette as far as how much to tip the staff. They were as clueless as I was. They sent a text to their travel agent to find out. It came out to about the same ballpark as I had expected.

They were one nighters, and left close to 10am and it felt like I had the boat to myself for a few hours

before the new one and two night people arrived.

It wasn’t even eleven when my assigned custodian pretty much demanded I eat some of the brunch because it was going to be The Oregon Trail until the next time food was served, and she didn’t want a icon appear above my head “Theresa died of dysentery “.

Somewhere in the afternoon I stepped out of my cabin and met a crew member who told me it was time to go. Uhh.. okay .. I thought it was optional and I got the impression it was not optional. The program read, high speed boat tour of Ha Long bay, bike ride and village tour and beach swimming. There was no “or” in there or “and” it was all or nothing. Might as well accept the ‘all’.

At the rear of the boat, I guess I should say stern, there was already a tender that was from The Elite of the Seas, a sister ship to this one. I had looked at both these boats online and liked the deck plan better on this boat. The Elite and odd first floor configuration that blocks the veranda on two of the first deck cabins and I wanted to make sure I didn’t get that cabin and I knew I wouldn’t on this vessel. The baker’s dozen of The Tribe of Elite, thought that they were slumming it to be forced to pick up the flotsam of Team Stellar. What they didn’t realize is that the prices for both boats are virtually identical plus or minus a mixed drink.

There was the one woman who had a little too much work done. Her skin was tighter and Ringo Star’s drum heads. Her eye brows were almost at the top of her head, and nothing above her eyebrows moved. Whoever had done her work did a good job, but there was still that little horizontal incision scar behind her ear. Her surgeon should have gone along the back of her ear and not the way he (she?) did. I will take my photographs and make subtle color enhancements and crop out some unwanted aspects of the photo, but nothing that screams HDR ! With colors and vibrancy that are obviously un-natural. Why someone would do that to their face is beyond me. One win for Team Stellar.

Second win for Team Stellar — no against Tribe Elite is that our boat does laugh more and as a rule has more fun. Maybe a stick in your butt, Tribe Elite hinders your sense of humor .

The ‘Speed Boat tour’ was just moving from one location to another. No narration or anything except engine noise and passing rocks and greenery. With the bow of the tender against concrete we were told on exiting that we had two options. Either a bike ride to the village or a giant electric golf cart to the same village. The boat wrangler said the bike ride was ‘Some up, some down’. I rode my bike almost every day this past five months this should be a snap. We were ushered quickly past the great knobby tired multi grared mountain bikes and were lead to some one gear bikes that were new when I was in high school. Well, I could have dreamed of a geared bike I guess. Maybe it will be like the brochure of a flat bucolic ride through the country side.

It wasn’t. When you see one of those little triangle signs with a black diamond on it with a number and a percentage , you know you are in for a climb. There were two of those on this ride. I would have done fine if I could have dropped a gear, but I had to admit defeat and I needed to dismount and walk the bike up the hill. Then I had to gingerly ride the brakes on the way down, because those old time tire squeezing brakes have no stopping power like disc brakes. The flat parts were very flat and it was a nice to effortlessly cruise the countryside —— except for my clueless compatriots. They had no concept of bike etiquette , maybe etiquette in general. A “On your left” or a bell or something that would have gone a long way and maybe a ear wax cleaning would have helped when I said “On your left”.

The village tour was less than climatic. For me the high point was the ‘fish massage’ where you sit at the edge of a small pond and drape your feet into the pond and the little teeny fish swim up and nibble at your limbs, eating any dead skin that they find. I and everyone couldn’t help to keep from laughing. It was such an unexpected experience. It tingled like teeny electric shocks but not in a bad way. Just tingles. I really liked it, couldn’t do it for very long, but it was  pleasant. We had this available for us in Washington state for a short period of time , but the health department shut it down because it was unsanitary. I guess boiling the fish after each customer didn’t work so well.

We got the how to grind rice demonstration, and the buffalo viewing. Those adventuresome of us tried the snake wine (not I) and it promised virility and male heirs to the men who  partook.

Then a rewind of the bike ride back to the tender. We had pulled away from the pier and the deck hand did a head count and we were one short. Of course, it was a member of Tribe Elite and pals with Ms. Plastic Fantastic. We pulled back to the dock and the deckhand was sent on a search and recovery mission and was successful. She flounced on board without even a look of apology or chagrin, she just expected us to await her appearance. The twat !

The beach was sandy. The water was warm and unexpectedly the beer was free (well included, if not exactly free)

Then back at the boat for some down time before dinner on the deck.

Wow ! Wow ! I just figured out that the cruise manager was saying to me. There is a German couple who I have been mooching cigarettes from are going to the same place tomorrow as I am and they are going by private car and offered me a ride with them instead of taking the bus that I had planned. Wow !! I can not believe their generosity. Of course I declined ——— NOT !